Miami, Police Ask For Help Locating Lebron's Offense

The Miami Heat and South Florida Police are asking for the public's help in finding Lebron James' offense, the main part of the 26 year old basketball player which disappeared before game 4 of the NBA Finals. James--who police warn is clearly mentally unstable for deciding to host a one-hour "Decision" on where he would play basketball in the 2010-11 season--has been declared a missing talent case following game 4. Last year it went missing towards the end of his days in Cleveland, notably quitting in the final game loss to the Celtics, so the public shouldn't be that concerned as its happened before. This time however it could be much more serious as his doctors have warned the public that the bigger the stage, the more the offense tends to vanish--and it doesn't get much bigger then the Finals that Lebron is en route to blowing.

According to teammates in Miami, his talent has been going through a serious crisis brought about by the move to Miami. In the finals especially, the offensive ability of James seems to be trying to play more like J.J. Barea or a hybrid mix of Raymond Felton and your average NBA shooting guard, than like the MVP known for drives in the lane and putting up massive amounts of points. Said teammate Dwayne Wade "I know it has been hard for his offense, he was so used to being the star, and now he feels obligated to like, have assists and stuff, it's really different."

Inside sources have blamed Chris Bosh for the disappearence. An unnamed coach said "Bosh needs the ball, so Lebron feels obligated to help feed him it so he doesn't have another meltdown like he did after we lost to Chicago."

Here in the Finals Lebron has taken this role to heart, feeding Bosh to the tune of 24 points in game 4, and the game winning shot in game 3. This deferment has caused his offense to be as much of a mirage as his championship rings.

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Heat's Success Ushers In A New Era For NBA

All together now "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Yes the hated Heat are going to the NBA Finals one step away from forever silencing the haters and vindicating Lebron, from the hatred he got for joining a super-team in Miami. However regardless of the outcome of the Finals, the Heat's success means that the damage has been done, and may just be the start of a new era, one step cleaner then the steroid era in baseball. Lebron and Bosh may have successfully ushered in the era of the three superstars meet up, form a Miami Heat like dominant team, and vie for the championship. While this may be good news for teams like the Knicks, it kills the small market teams, with the lone superstar, who will be out of luck trying to land the players who will try and fit the Lebron mold in switching squads.

Consider in the next two years, the list of restricted, and unrestricted free agents in the NBA is filled with All-Star caliber talent who you can bet will try and team up Heat style in order to win. Star players that could be on the move include Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, Marc Gasol, Deron Williams and Steve Nash. Plus these two free agent classes are filled with the type of role players who can go in for mid level money and thrive alongside the stars who have teamed up. I'm talking about you Jamal Crawford, Glen Davis, Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, Matt Barnes, O.J. Mayo, and Rudy Fernandez. You can bet that most of these players will be looking to team up, or go with a team that already has an established superstar.

While some teams will probably gain from this, think big market, already with a superstar, like the Knicks whose fans are already clamoring for CP3, this type of switching kills the majority of the NBA. With all of the stars teaming up a majority of the NBA will be unable to contend. Sure there will be six great teams, and the playoffs will be spectacular, but for teams without three stars they will have no shot, and if the team is in an undesirable place to play, how will they ever contend. Will Dwight Howard ever want to go play in Minnesota? Lebron has created a system in which the teams are at the mercy of the players. Every summer will just be a feeding frenzy of free agency in which the small teams watch as their star departs for the bright lights and the near guarantee of playing for the NBA title. If Lebron can do it, why can't CP3, Dwight Howard, and a host of other big name players do it too? It's a question that will change the NBA and it all happened because of one man and his "Decision"

Who's On Drugs Now? D-Wade, Albert/Joey Belle, NASCAR Driver and the Stripper Kisser

Athletes as role models? PLEASE. Give me a break. They're all on drugs. We've talked about it a lot on this blog: Michael Phelps (pot), Geovany Soto (marijuana), Sidney Ponson (stimulant/maybe-diet pills), Donte Stallworth (weed), Manny Ramirez (PEDs/women's drugs), Lenny Dykstra (probably a lot of shit), and, of course A-Rod (steroids).

Now we got some more to add to this list (all alleged of course...):

• Dwayne Wade thinks he's a rapper: he supposedly organizes sex parties and smokes weed. Awesome life, dude! This report is accoring to SportsByBrooks, who also talk about the accuser: "[Richard] Van Houtman said he twice saw Wade smoking a joint in the house but wasn’t in attendance for the orgies that Wade allegedly helped arrange." What an IDIOT! He knew that there were orgies going on but left? He watched someone smoke weed? Doesn't he know he's never going to be a professional athlete or rapper acting like that? And Dwayne Wade is just ripping up the competition: his divorce is so much weirder and messier than Kobe Bryant's!
• And then there's Albert Belle. This man HAS to be on something. Has to be. Had to be on something while he was playing (ie - steroids) and now is definitely on something (I go with crack). Because according to The Cleveland Plain Dealer, Belle called and wanted to talk about how frustrated he was with the Indians season so far and how he feels it's unfair that Manny Ramirez is singled out for steroids. When asked if Belle himself had done steroids, he said no, and attributed his anger not to steroids, but to being "an angry black man". This is the same man who once used a corked bat and had a teammate crawl through the ventilation system to retreive it. Oh yeah...and he also, according to the LA Times: threw a baseball at a fan, chased trick-or-treating children with his car, threw a baseball at a photographer, Belle screamed at a woman from NBC and was ordered to undergo counseling.
  So remember what Dan Patrick said about you, Albert (or shall we call you Joey)? You're no Kirby Puckett! I mean this is the Kirby Puckett, who, as Sports Illustrated revealed "tried to strangle [his ex-wife] with an electrical cord, locked her in the basement and used a power saw to cut through a door after she had locked herself in a room. Once...he even put a cocked gun to her head while she was holding their young daughter." Yeah Albert/Joey, Dan Patrick thinks you're worse than that.
  
• Meanwhile, racecar driver, Jeremy Mayfield, is a big meth user, according to ESPN. He just was suspended again for meth use. "Again?" you might ask. Well, yes...because as Deadspin points out, he was suspended for the first time in May. I'm telling you, this is the type of shit that gets America intrigued. At least Fake America (where I live).
• Lastly, Richard Gasquet was a tennis player suspended from the ATP Tour for cocaine use. The ruling was just reversed by the International Tennis Federation according to the New York Times. Thank goodness, too...you never want to be falsely accused of that. His defense? "Richard Gasquet escaped a lengthy doping ban Wednesday when the International Tennis Federation ruled that he inadvertently took cocaine by kissing a woman in a nightclub. The 23-year-old Frenchman, who was cleared to resume playing after completing a 2 1/2-month ban on Wednesday, convinced an independent anti-doping tribunal that he ingested cocaine from kissing the woman he had just met at the club in Miami." He even said the woman was named Pamela but didn't know her last name. What idiots! I use that excuse all the time. I can't BELIEVE they fell for that. I always tell them I'm a foreigner who didn't know you weren't supposed to kiss strippers in Miami because of fear of being drug tested afterward.
  

That, my friends, is amazing. Kids, don't do drugs.